The Unimaginable

Well most of you know we were unable to bring Mason home.  This has been one of the most devastating things in my life besides our miscarriage.   The difference with this was that Ryan and I had to make this choice.   God was the one who chose for us to miscarry.   Im sure some of you are thinking how could you put a child back in the orphanage?  I understand what your thinking because I have to now deal with this the rest of my life.
I would like to share with you our story so you can kind of understand why we had to make the decision we made even when it seemed in the beginning that Mason was the one God had planned for our family.
   I really don't understand why God allowed things to happen this way.  I am not even sure this is how God intended things to happen.  I wish so badly I could have heard words from Gods mouth telling Ryan and I what decision He wanted us to make.  Ryan and I prayed fervantly on our knee in agony that God would give us clear direction.  To make it so evident.  We prayed "  Lord we want to be obedient.  You have brought us all the way to China away from our family for this little boy yet you have put this ostacle  in our way".  I have never seen my husband in so much agony in so much intensive prayer.  I have never seen him weep the way he did and cry out to God.  I wanted so bad to see the words written on a wall or God voice heard but we did not get that.
   Im hoping that maybe through this blog I will see God and he will reveal to me that this is what He intended.  so here it goes heres our story.
  So we got to shanghai so excited it was very weird being around the world away from our kids but yet so exciting to think we were going to finally meet our little boy in a couple of days.
We stayed in shanghai one night and then took a train to Nanjing.  Once we got their our Guide named Jin picked us up at the train station and took us to our hotel.  She made sure everything was working in our rooms made sure we had a crib and stroller.  She was so kind and very friendly.  She showed us around the town and gave us suggestion on places to eat.  I could barely compose myself because I knew in less than 24 hours we were going to meet Mason.
    The next morning we got up and went to the civil affairs where the orphange director and one of his nannys where going to bring him.  We were waiting patiently and then there he was I couldn't really see his face because he was so buddled up in what seemed a million layers of clothes.  Then I saw his sweet little face.  The face I have been dreaming about.  I couldn't wait to snatch him from the nannies arms as I went to get him from the nanny's arms my heart felt a little uneasy he seemed very limp I knew that children in the orphanage were behind but I thought he would be around a 10 -11 month old developmently even though he was 16 months.  He reminded me of a 7 month old but I put those thoughts aside and took in the moment.  He didn't cry he was smiling and happy. He would touch our faces and smile.  I was beaming from head to toe I could feel myself.  I couldn't believe this day was finally here.  I thought I would be crying but I didn't I couldn't help but smile.  Oh how I wish I still had those feeling right now.
    So we had to take him for 24 hours before we could sign the paper work.  We went to the hotel.  when we got there I thought " ok I need to see how he was really doing.  he had so many layers of clothes on he was dripping sweat.  I thought that was why he seemed so limp because he was like a marshmellow how could he move?  so I took a couple of layers off him.   He was able to sit up on his own and he scooted around a little bit not much.  I looked at his body because he had what we thought were mongolian spots and a birthmark on his back.  I noticed there were alot more spots on him then what was shown in our referral pictures but I thought they probably only showed us some of them so we knew he had a birthmark and mongolian spots.  I noticed his spine seemed wierd it was rounded kind of like a hunch back but I figured everyones backs are different and if he had scoliosis we could work with that.  His legs seemed shorter than normal but then again I'm use to looking at my own children let alone he was another nationality and sometimes they have different characteristics.    Anyways after that I thought he just needs to get some excercise.   He needs to build strength get some muscle tone and he will be just fine.  So I squeezed him tight and played with him.   We took him on the town that night we went to pizza hut cause it was close and I really didn't have it in me to try chinese that night.
   The next morning we went to breakfast before we left to sign the adoption papers.  The little boy who  slept in the crib next to him was being adopted as well and they were at our hotel eating breakfast too.  the boys were about 1 week apart.  As we were walking out of the restraunt our Guide Jin ran up to us and said " What are those spots on his back" and she started to lift his shirt up.  I told her he had a birthmark but the other spots where mongolian spots.  She said very sternly "Those are not mongolian spots and then showed me what one looked like on her arm.  My heart sank.  then I looked and the little boy who was a week apart from him was walking out of the restaurant.  My heart sank again.  I was thinking Mason is not even crawling yet and this other boy was walking.  Our guide Jin said we will ask the orphanage director about his spots before you sign the paper work.  We said ok.
   When we got to the Civil Affairs we asked the director about his spots.  The director said they took him to the hospital and they said they were birthmarks.  Nothing is wrong with him Just Birthmarks.  Well Ryan and I didn't care he had birthmarks so we said ok and went and signed the paper work.
    After that we went to some garden Jin wanted us to go to.  She told us so many things I think she knows every thing about china dates and all.  My brain was fried.  For those of you that know me I like to walk through things not study every tree and rock in the place ha ha.  Jin made sure she told us about EVERYTHING!!!  During our time in the garden I was really noticing how depend Mason was.  He did not help hold himself up at all .  As I was holding him I noticed he felt heavier than my 3 year old.  He only wanted me to hold him so I was struggling.  I guess I need to do more Jazzercise ha ha.  This made me really concerned because I kept thinking about the little boy that walk out of the restraunt that morning.
   That night I did not sleep at all.  All I could do was think about what if there was more going on than we thought.  Things just didn't seem to add up.  He seemed so much further behind than I thought.  I emailed the agency to ask if they have seen this before as well as a US DR that specialized in international adoption.  I just wanted to be prepared for what was ahead I guess.  So I sat up all night and prayed and thought.  I talked to my sister through texting.  I was nervous.  Once Ryan woke up I told him my concerns.  We both went to the Lord in prayer and prayed for Mason that he would become strong that there was nothing more going on with him.  Then he woke up I put him on the ground with some toys and boom  I looked and he was scooting all over the place he even tryed pulling himself up to his knees.  He was a different child.  I thanked God for answering our prayer.  My heart was lifted.
   That day we went to visit the orphanage.  I was so impressed.  It was alot nicer than I anticipated.  They had classrooms where they taught the older kids.  There was even a kid playing the piano.  They seemed to do alot of things with these kids.  It was sad to see all the little babies in the cribs.  there were about 25 cribs in a room.  They had a really nice activity room for the kids to play in.  The orphanage was clean and the nanny's were so nice.  Right when we walked into the orphanage they ran up to Mason they called him ya ya which means sunshine in chinese.  If you could have seen his smile.  He was soo happy to see them.  Two of the nanny's did not leave his side the whole time.  they just talked to him and made him laugh I was so thankful to see how much he was loved!
   During this time our Guide Jin was talking very intensely to some ladies in chinese.   Than she came up to Ryan and I and said that lady is going to get the dr report about his birthmarks.  I was thinking why is she doing that?   I had long forgot about the birthmarks.  The pediatrican from the orphanage came down to talk with us as well.  They showed Jin the Dr report and she said the report said he had Cafe au lait spots.  The pedeatrican said that the spots were just birthmarks nothing to worry about.  I thought great that confirmed it.   We continued with our tour and then went to see the place where he was found.
     Once we got back to the hotel I thought Im just going to google cafe au lait spots.  As I was reading about them my heart just sank again.  I started reading about how if a person has more than 6 spot it could mean that they have neurofibromatosis also called NF1 as I was reading the symptoms it talked about freckling under arms and stomach on legs and groin.  Mason had them everywhere.  It talked about having a curvature of the spine and a larger head.   We new his head seemed larger but there are a lot of people with large heads.  I did notice his spine seemed to be a little curved but not sure if that was due to him being so skinny. These are just the first signs.  then is goes on to how this genetic disorder progresses with age and all the complication that may come, tumor growths, blindness, seizures, developmental delays, surgery's on back, legs, brain depending where the tumors grow.  Then there are syndroms that can be linked with it.  This was just way more than we thought we could handle.  I know that he may not have all the symptoms now but I do know he already was showing some of them.
     Our agency gave me a US Dr's name to call.  Once we talked to the dr he told us all the different complications that could come with NF1  Why God Why???  This little boy had been in our hearts for months he is laying next to me right now.  We have started to build a connection with him.  How are we going to provide this child with what he needs and provide our 4 young kids with what they need.  How will we provide finacially?  This is not fair God.  What are we suppose to do?
    The Dr we where talking to had adopted 4 girls from China so he knew what we where going through.  He said something to us that I think helped a little.  He told us that we needed to take our emotions out of this.  He said you need to go back to the beginning when You and your husband talked about what your family could handle.  He said He knew this sounds crazy but it's crazy when you are filling out your paper work and your picking what kind of kid you want like they are in a catalog.  It just doesn't sound good but this is how the system works.  He said if you had no kids or even just one he could see us taking this child home with us but he said with four children already it just would not be fair to them or to Mason.
   The problem is We were already in this emotionally.  We loved this boy before we met him.  We felt like God was showing us so clearly he was our child.  We were in China!  We had him in our arms.  I was angry so angry.  I still am angry I don't understand what God is doing.  I know this is not just about my family this is about Mason.  God loves Mason too.  How are we going to give him back???  Does God want us to give him back?  How are we going to care for this child?  Does God want us to care for this Child?  I'm sure some of you are thinking we made the wrong choice and some of you understand why we made the choice we made.  I question myself about every minute.
   After getting off the phone with the doctor we prayed over Mason we prayed for his healing we Prayed for his salvation we begged God we begged Him to take his spots away.  I have NEVER begged God like that we cried and prayed all night.  The next morning we looked to see if his spots were gone.  They were still there.  I was praying for a miracle I just wanted a clear answer from God.  I talked to the agency and Ming who is I think the link between china and then agency.  They both seemed to understand that we where not equipped to take Mason home.  They understood we had 4 other children.  Ming said He needed a home with someone who can give him the attention he needs.  So she arranged for the orphanage to come get Mason the next day.
   We had one last day to spend with Mason all we did was sit in the room in shock.  We stared at him the whole day while he played.  We continued crying we continues praying we continued to talk about if we where doing the right thing.  We went over and over things in our heads we prayed for our children at home.  We pleaded with God. We have not slept or eaten over 48 hours and I knew we where not going to eat or sleep that day either.
   I couldn't bring myself to leave the room.  I made Ryan go to the civil affairs by himself to give them our written request to overturn the adoption due to unknown medical issues that was given to us at orphanage.  Poor Ryan he had to do this on his own.  He said he thought the people thought he was crazy.  He said he just broke down a full blown cry not able to catch his breath.  All I could do was sit and stare and of course go through the motions of taking care of Mason daily needs.  Thank goodness we had food for him in the hotel room.  All I could think of was those brown eyes.  The dreams I had for him to come home and meet our kids and family.  The way I pictured him running through our yard with Parker I was in straight shock.  All I could think about was how could we return him to the orphanage what kind of people are we?
   That night we didn't sleep either I so wanted to be home with my children but yet I didn't want to leave this little boy.  I remember going into the hospital for a DNC when we miscarried.   I remember the feeling of not wanting to go knowing they were taking something away from me.   This is how I felt I knew I had to take this little boy back but it was like taking a piece of me.  I know this may sound wierd but this is how I felt.  That next morning we woke up.  It was silent all we could do was pack his things and walk silently to the car.  I could not believe what we were about to do.  I felt like it was a dream.  I wanted to so badly wake up.  I still wish I could wake up.
   When we got to the civil affairs the orphanage people were already there.  We walked in and the nannie took him from my arms.  All I could do was cry.  Mason was happy though he was smiling he was content.  He loved the nannies.  They are his family.  Thats all he knows.  Ryan and I had to sign some paper work it took about 10 minutes and it was done.  Mason was gone and we walked out alone.    The rest of the day my heart was so heavy I could barely move.   We tried to walk around town to make time go by fast our plane left the next morning.   We pretty much went to the hotel I fell asleep at 2 in the afternoon and didn't wake up till 6 the next morning.
   when I woke up I was thinking God there has to be a reason we are here.  Why are we here?  The only thing that came to my mind was Jin our guide.  We had talked a little about religion.  She said she believed in nothing but her grandma was a Christian.  I thought to myself maybe Jin's grandma has been praying for her? Maybe we can be a tool for God.
   When we were about to leave for the airport Ryan and I sat Jin down.   We told her that she has so much knowlege about China.  That she could tell us anything we wanted to know.  Then we went on to tell her that the most important knowlege is to know Jesus as her Savior.  We told Jin we had know clue why God has brought us around the world to China.  We told her We believe God put Jin as our guide to advocate for us.  If it wasn't for her we would have never known Mason had NF1 our family would have been turned upside down.  We told her maybe God sent us to China because her grandma has been praying for her that maybe she needed to hear about Jesus from someone else?  I gave her my bible and a devotional I brought about Jesus.  She said this was the nicest gift she was given.  We exchanged emails and plan to follow up with her and told her to ask us questions if she had any but Know she can ask her grandma.  She told us she was going to read it.
    Ryan and I may never really know the reason God has sent us to China.  We may question our whole lives the decision we had to make.  What we do know is that by going to China we have two new friends.  We have our friend Jin that we will pray for and keep in contact with her.  We will continue to plant the seeds God wants us to and maybe she will come to be His child.  Our other friend is Mason I will hold him dear to my heart.  I will pray for him daily for his health and his salvation.  I know Ryan and I are closer to each other and to God through this situation.  I don't think either of us had prayed so hard in our lives.  It seemed like we were alone in China but I know that God was there. I know He was holding our hands. I know His ways are not our ways. I know He loves us and He loves Mason.  I know that now there will be many people praying for Jin and Mason because we where in China. I know that Mason will have an advocate someone to help him get genetic testing so he will find a home that will be perfect for his condition.  I know Ryan and I are blessed with family and friend that love us.  What more can we ask for?
   If you are reading this and you don't know Jesus as your Savior all I can say is your missing out on what life is truly about.  We are not here by chance just like Ryan and I were not in China by change.  God loves each and everyone of you reading this.  He has a plan for your life it doesn't mean that if you have Jesus in your life things will be easy and never go wrong.   Look at what Ryan and I just went through.   What it does mean is that you have someone to go through life with you.  Someone who will never leave you or forsake you.  Someone who gets you through the hard times and is with you through the good times.  There is No other God like our God.  Jesus says' I am the way the truth and the life No one comes to the Father except through me.  Seek Him out if you don't know him personally.  I can not imagine having to go through this without my God by my side.